Its about 1 year since i post any things in my blog... so sorry for those who come and see if there is anything new. Sincerely apologise cos these days I am just lazy to... Some more, my time is taken up by many other things.

Some update, I got into Innova Junior College, after failing to opt into Meridian. Sad case, but well, that is something that happened long ago. I am fine in Innova, though its a little quite far from my house. Haha... At first I am quite disappointed, but after a few months, i got used to it and I find that it might be a blessing for me too. Finally I am away from my cliques, finally I am not as close as them and i wont get angry over some stupid stuffs they do that often anymore =)

Next, made some very good friends in Innova. Well, its different from those I have been together all along, but its less stressful in there. At least there are people take charge, people make decisions, people voice out and people care about me. I missed all these things since last year among my friends. Haha... sorry to say that, but I am just saying what I feel being with you all. I dont understand why i stayed in that group for so long after so many things happened that upset me. Maybe I keep telling myself that there is hope for changes for this group. Maybe I put too much faith and trust in here. Maybe I am the only one who need the group, and the others dont need me anymore... All went solo, all became independent, all forget about being together as a team. I lost that closeness, that sense of security that I had in the early secondary school days.

I dont know what are the others feeling. I find that they dont give a god damn about the breaking and separation of the group. I find that they do not have any initiative in keeping it together. Or maybe they dont need it anymore, they leaving it aside. Or maybe they cant see that we are getting further apart (which i dont think so) or they just dont have any initiative to do anything and just sit there and wait for others to settle it. Selfish? Independent? Solo? Inconsiderate? Irresponsible? Ignorant? Undecisive? Which one are they? While I am typing the post, I am betraying them and saying their bad words... great isnt it to have me as your friend? I am hurt when I say negative things about them, but I really dont know what is the problem happening.

I am starting to get myself out of the group. I am trying to clear the line properly like they are doing now. Abit slow, but its better to start than to continue to suffer. I want to be solo and independent like them. I dont want to be a weakling that depend on others. Since they dont care, why should I? I find myself so stupid, foolish to start leaving now. Right? That is something they did so long ago. I hate myself for doing so. For being like them, for learning them. Cos I myself criticise their actions, but I am doing what they are doing. Hypocrite right? But I have no choice or I am going to suffer alot more.

So, I now officially announce myself out of the group (if there is still one around). I will tell myself to leave things to fate and on them (i doubt they will do anything). I will try to break away from them. =) I will... and I hope i can... Sorry guys...

---Now i understand, nothing last forever---

OnE WinGeD posted at 7/03/2005 02:32:00 AM

Haha...today very happy..my birthday..haha...hm~ this is the best birthday i ever experienced. i never had such a happy and wonderful birthday in my life..my friends gave me surprises...i am really shocked by their presents and efforts...=)

Start of the day, people wished me...I felt so happy that they remembered my birthday, cos most of the time they forgot it as it is during the exam period..Today my friends went home much earlier without me, left me alone in school.

When i reached home, i suspected some surprises coming the way and thus, i asked my mum for clues. however, i didnt expect her to trick me as well..haha..well, so i gave up thinking there is more events happening... however, i was shocked when my friends rang the door bell. Stand at the doorway was at least 10 people...i was really happy..it was the first time my friends celebrated birthday for me...we took photos, had lots of fun, and later in the evening, more friends came to my house...my juniors, 'mei's (god-sisters) came...they brought a home made birthday cake for me...(so touched) haha... we really enjoyed ourselves...

When we were about to go to play basketball, my friends gave me a present... a folio on themselves and the words they wanted to tell me...(with photos somemore) very innovative...i was really touched..next we went down to play night basketball..it was fun..much more like a gathering..haha

Some of my friends stayed over night today... we enjoyed ourselves through the night..(although i still dont know what will happen later..haha) I am really really, extremely happy and touched(though no tears appear..haha) how i wish this period of time will last forever, but since it will not, treasure it to the extreme! remember!! treasure what you have, cos things will not last forever.. I will never forget today.. I want to thank all my friends [kenneth, jianwen, arvind, anson, vincent, aaron, gianseng, wei sheng, hou teng, delvin, meiying, weiling, qianling, candice, patricia, xianglin] ...for their efforts..THANKS!!! (hey this include my juniors too!![yiangshan, siewyuen, corina, wei qin, valerie]) ----14/5/2004, Friday

OnE WinGeD posted at 5/15/2004 08:08:00 PM

These few days, something happened to my uncle...got sued into court..details not very sure...but i know he should not be in the wrong...anyway, parents, aunts, uncles, are busy about this stuff... Whole day out to discuss about it... Finding lawyers..etc..

I wonder why people want to make things worse, cause them to become a bigger problem to others..Saddistic? i dont know...we can solve problems easily but some chose not to... some dont want it to become a greater problem to themselves, while others love to bring troubles to others AND themselves... I really dont understand why... anyway, it is still going on..hope nothing wrong happen...

Hm~ feel like quitting my appointment in band..( haha...thought of it from last year until now, stil holding it..) Just a few days back, someone gave me trouble... haiz... Just because he is lazy, dont want to admit fault, and stubborn, we almost had a quarrel... lucky that both parties want to make the issue big and thus, tried to control ourselves...

Obviously is his fault, i had the right to punish him, but i did not. i just reprimanded him..hm..people dont know how to appreciate it, not only did he not feel sorry, but still refuse to admit his fault and stubbornly refuse to hear what i want to say... sad case... So, same old ending, the teacher came and called me to go off first... then he had a talk with the teacher... i dont know what happened to him, but i hope he wont have any grudges against me...

At that moment i really feel like quitting, i know it is a little rash, and thus i didnt carry on with the thought.. but it did not happen once, but lots of time... (not only him..others also bring me problem..got stress by conductor and teacher in charge...) haiz.... very stress up everytime i am to settle these problems... either i cannot fulfil conductors orders, or i cant do what the teacher say in time, or i have problems with the members when i carry orders from the teachers... Everytime i am in the middle...everytime they used me... one side call me do this thing..other side call me dont do... dilemma again..almost every practice.... i dont like the feeling.... cant they agree? cant they meet up, settle the decision and tell me? Next, anything went wrong is my fault...follow someone's order, other side scold me before they find out it is another party wanted me to do... frustrating... Lots of things to do...cant finish... Everytime i thought something can be done, but later someone will bring me another trouble again.... HAIZ... EnDLeSs SoRrOw.....

Update: friendship between my 'best friends' are still the same...hot and cold... nice and bad... strange...i really wonder what they are thinking, and if they are still treating the group of friends as their best friends or just normal school mates... When i came to secondary 4, everything suddenly went out of my hand...out of my control... i lost almost everything... lost control of things.. lost faith, trust, confidence etc... however, i gain something new...new friendships, new friends, although i cant accomodate to the drastic change, i still feel that i am happier and closer to my new friends... i feel sad when i thought of that..cos it means that i have drifted from my best friends...from my many-years group...i dont want it to go just like that... but i lost control, i lost power, (or i would say, not enough strength to go on..no one initiated to help) so...i believe it will be gone in a very short time... Sad...i really 'bu gan yan' still refuses to accept the fact that we had drifted and separated... but fact is fact, truth is truth....and life is life..............

OnE WinGeD posted at 3/30/2004 10:42:00 PM

Haiz...i just cant understand myself well enough..suddenly i hate myself...I dont know why, I started to be disappointed in myself...I feel that i had let alot of people down...Especially my seniors..who helped me through so many periods of time and i did not do anything to repay or help them..i know helping does not need to get something back..but, i feel guilty..i only know how to find them and need them, but i cant help them when they are in trouble..

Both of them had family problems...and i can only sit there and listen..i cant help, i dont know how...i can only see them feel sad, but i have no ability to help them..no chance of letting me help them...My heart aches when i see them sad, when i know they are....some dont want to show it out...makes me feel hurt...

Some people treat all these as small problems...i dont blame them, cos everyone treat everything differently to them..to me, what they did to help me really affected my life alot....they came at the crucial time, at those times that i dont know what to do, and no one to turn to.. There are times i am all alone, facing some problems i dont know how to solve... Best friends? Well, they dont really care or get affected by it...and why should i?! i dont know why i want to care these things... stupid me.. And i got so many problems for myself...anyway, my seniors helped me...care for me..taught me.. and guide me through those times...i am grateful, very grateful... I dont know how to thank them..I feel that they are disappointed with me for some reasons, that why i feel guilty..

I feel that i am burden to them..find troubles for them to solve...giving them more troubles...if they really mind, i would not have approached them....i hope they will tell me honestly if they mind or not....I dont want to bring troubles to them..cos i dont want to lose them..(some people might drift apart from you if they mind helping you so much) [ by the way, if i helped any one of you..i honestly tell you, i dont mind.. i feel happy that those people i cared and helped feel happy or have no troubles] how i wished they can tell me...

Different people got different personality...Sometimes i feel so left out, cos people treat me so differently at different times...(hot and cold) It sometimes really brings out my curiosity if they really care about me..i believe so... I myself also treat people that way sometimes...I would say sorry to these people cos i did it unintentionally...sorry... but people taught me...events + reactions = outcome... what i got from them, it might be my own fault...The thing is, i dont know what i did and most of them dont want to tell me...this are usually the main cause of the break of friendships... It might be how i reacted to them or treated them, and thus they treat me that way...i would like to know what i did..please tell me..

OnE WinGeD posted at 3/21/2004 04:42:00 PM

Hm... the blog is so cold...no one talks, no one comments, and best of all, i am not blogging...well..that is a good thing in a way...which shows there is no sorrow(true or not? haha) within me..haiz...How's everyone's life? Fine? secondary 4 now....and i am so slack...haiz...

Haiz...now i want to blog this down...hope it will remind me in the future..Sad...this problem happened quite a long time...but i try to forget about it and let it float in my life..No one saw this problem except for me and another good friend...I tried all ways to show my other friends about this problem and asked for their opinions and advices but, they cant see it until these few days...

I initiated to have a talk about it but everytime was unsuccessful...finally, i started to give up hope in mending the problem and let nature take its course...I am not sure when this problem started( some say around last year) but it really disturbed and hurt me badly...

Chemical equation
Potassium + Tellurium + Argon + Silver + Chlorine ---> Strong bonds

haiz....but nowadays these chemicals and metals are leaving each other....the strong bonds are broken..getting weaker and weaker...Silver knew these problem seem last year, tried express out, but no one react nor think about it....now, Tellurium regretted for not listening to him..and now, he realised that the bond is really starting to break..Well, they dont have much to talk about( they given up and some lost interest in our previous interests ) therefore, gradually the things to talk about is getting lesser...

Moreover, (sad to say) Potassium start to leave us....haiz...he seems so far to Tellurium....very very distant... as though they are not friends before...haiz...Today other 4 talk about it...but still they dont know what to do... Some didnt care much about it, while some did the effort but still unsuccessful...They dont even know what happened to Potassium..and he changed so drastically...someone different now..someone so hard to communicate with, to socialise with...

Very sad and hurting to see these...this group had so much fun and laughter last year..but now...some dont even talk a single word to anyone in the group for the days... gatherings seem so cold...(i would say they dont have gatherings so often now) Honestly..Tellurium felt so left out by Potassium.. He want to ask, talk, chat with him...but he was so afraid that Potassium will scold him or give attitude back....haiz..I know Tellirium dont want to break this relationship and he dont want to risk or else quarels might happen.. to leave it as it is now? or should he try to help up in rebuilding the relationship?

OnE WinGeD posted at 3/06/2004 10:48:00 PM

Sad... Friday the 13.... really bad day for me.. Guess what..some friendship problems...Why do i have so much of these kinds of stuffs and others dont? or they dont show it out? or am i too sensitive? I think i am too sensitive...i think i have make friendship as a thing too important to me in my life.... maybe i should stop being so...

After school....find my friends....going home... (well...we prefer more people to go home together) so we went to find some other friends and ask if they want to join us back home... One say he is having meeting.. so my intention is to wait for him as my other friends are chatting with him.. Not long, the person who i had cold war with came in... i dont know why...i left the room...i know i am not in good mood..so i dont want to start quarrels or problems...therefore i avoided her, just in case we had another 'misunderstanding'...so i left the room and waited for them outside...

Spent the whole afternoon alone...walking around in the same area...(just in case they are going home..just dont want to be irresponsible..) i waited..i believe they know i am outside waiting...but i dont understand why none of them came out and accompany me..i waited for a long time...i did had thoughts of going home alone..but it would be rude to do so...because i dont want others to treat me the same way, i dont treat them that way... Well, waited for more than one hour... and finally they came out... soon, i found out they having fun inside...( i think so..from what i heard) and not meeting..its actually ok with me..i understand...

Maybe my expectation for my friends are a little too high...i just feel that they dont show enough care for me... not even some questions which shows concern for me..quite disappointing... I cannot blame them..and i dont have the right to do so...but since i show so much care for them...can they show some for me? everyone is make of flesh and blood and we need love and care... no one is a robot... therefore, i really wish my friends will show some... I am not saying no one did...but i am expecting from my best friends....what i am sad about is that as time goes by...we changed so much... i cant receive the same kind of treatmeant i received in the past now.... I really wish i can go back in time.... to where our group of friends are so closely bonded together....

Maybe at the age we are now, we should be more independent... we should not need care from friends... but will it harm you by receiving more? I dont think so... even parents need care from us...why cant we just give more to others? is it so difficult? I am just feeling very lonely today...so left out from my friends... some of them sensed my problem...some dont... some asked(but not those i expected to get from) but some didnt..

I know maybe i am a little too much to 'expect' something from others...but maybe i am just too adapt too the earlier 'life' i had before that is gone now...a new 'life' is so different.... Thats why i still cant adapt to it.... Will you feel better if someone care and ask if you are ok? I think most of us will... thats why, if you need it from somone, you should also give so that other people can receive the care the same as what you received from others...

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone..especially my friends... hope we can maintain our friendships.. Take care.....and of cos i hope you will treasure it..;)

OnE WinGeD posted at 2/13/2004 08:44:00 PM

Sigh~~ These few days i felt quite terrible.... I have such a strong feeling that our group of friends may break out anytime....haiz.. I feel that this group are drifting further and further away from each other.... Last year, out of 5, 1 broke out....this year, well, i can consider that 1 came back with us! Thats good news.. however, it seems like we 5 are not that close anymore..not even the other 4 who survived those storms and winds.... Though we seem to clique together, i feel that we cant get along well...disputes start sparks off very easily...although these all small problems, it does great harm when they happen everyday so oftenly...haiz... last year, those problems we faced are big...but, after those problems, we still can get along good..and sometimes it did help to strengthen the relationship..

All these small problems occur everyday, anytime... Hurt the relationship little by little...no one takes it to heart..but it will be left inside us for a long time.. It is harder to forget those bigger problems...but once forgotten, the sky will be cleared... But when smaller problems happen, it is easier to forget, but not all... dark cloud patches here and there...(so ugly) So i hate to have those useless and hurtful sparks of fire among us...they are burning us little by little... I dislike the feeling..

On and off, we 'quarrel'.. maybe we treat it as some kind of debate last time.. i still feel that it does harm to ourselves and the relationship...in the past, we agree with each other...bond is so strong... Now, though we show our opinions, we seem not to be bonded together...all standing in each ground( not saying is anyone's fault..cos i myself also does the same) Sometimes, those debates(?) get so fierce, and started raising voices..(sometimes the tone also changes..it even frighten me if the topic gets too 'hot') then after the 'quarrel' is over, everyone is so awkward...so quiet... i dont know why...haiz..

I also feel that our group start to split...from 4, we now had individuals and pairs... some share secrets with only some of us..while others dont know what they are talking about... Whispers occur more these few days... dont want to share what they are talking about..(not like in the past, we share everything..everyone know what is happening) Well, i dont want to force them to tell others what are they talking about..maybe somethings that really cant tell us.. so i didnt care much..but of cos...the tinge of curiosity still remains...

Secondary 4 this year...so much homework, tests... We dont even have much time together..some rushing home to 'release stress' some rush home to complete their homeworks...some get home early to study for tests..and some have school programmes...Last year, we had they time to walk back from school to our house...(SengKang to Hougang..walk) or, even had the time to explore places we didnt been before around the neighbourhood...we even had time to find a place somewhere to chat... Now? Not even have the time to sit down and chat for long... (we did try..those conversation dont last as long as those we had last year) We didnt had the time to walk back once from school... I feel so far nowadays from my best friends.... haiz....very sad for me...How i wish we can be back to normal...

Some say after Os...haha..think about it..if we cant maintain the relationship now, how to have the same feeling after Nov? thats such a long time from now...by then, we had already have our own lifestyle and habits that others cant accomodate...we cant even clique by then, i guess.. I can see we are trying hard to stay together, but it seems like the more we be together, the more problems we have among us...(maybe some of us dont feel it..but i do) Sometimes, i even had some fear when all of us meet together...i am afriad we might have such a high tension anytime and everything is gone... (hope not) Maybe is the stress we face, that make us change so much that i cant even accomodate to my friends' attitudes..haiz... How? I dont want this to end....

OnE WinGeD posted at 2/10/2004 09:01:00 PM

Sooooooo long didnt blog...very very sorry....hm...this few days quite busy with school life..tests, homework, cca, next music festival...well, maybe thats life..haha..Today i am sooo unlucky..woke up late, about 8.15 reached school..(very late right?) Anyway, as per normal, got a little scoldings,(well..nothing to me..haha) and then i need to start that system of coming to school before a time and report..(wasting my time..haha but no choice)..

Hm..last few days, i was thinking about something that bothered me so much..its something that happened long ago..maybe last year.. but it still lingers in my mind, quite vividly..if i say in a better way, it is lingering in my mind..i reminded myself quite often these few days..in another way, it means it cant get off my mind, and i cant let it off...(disturbing? maybe) Last year, people teach me to let go off things...( i once said before in earlier entry) I just cant let some things go..no matter how they disturb and affect my life.. Haiz..why? why? why!? I tried so hard forgetting it...but it seems that the matter is just moving more and more back into my head, but not out of it... haiz...just cant get rid and let it go.................

Some things are meant to stay forever, some things are meant to be forgotten...i am trying to forget this thing, and get it out of me...however, it still cannot..haha...(quite a long period of time) hm...maybe it is fated to be the thing that has to be remember forever..or maybe longer than now..I have no choice...Haiz....

We always say we should let things go to make ourselves lighter(in a sense)..but some things cant let go as easy as said..time is still the best to help out in the erasing of unwanted memories...Let time heal then...Are those things, are the ones u care about more? (thats why you dont want to forget it) haha...maybe...so strange..human brain works so different at different points..we just cant understand...haha...haiz..

Well, dont want to continue anymore...making me more and more confused..haha.(stupid for me to do so right? just curious) It seems like the friend i had misunderstanding with is getting better and better every day!! glad to see that..well..hope it gets better! thanks for forgiving...if you read this..

SOrry if I didnt update it for some time...( i was thinking of deleting it..anyway i am just trying out..)

OnE WinGeD posted at 2/06/2004 10:25:00 PM

Hm...very sorry..these few days lazy to use the notepad to add the entry in...very sorry... Today learn i learn a new word...'fatalist'..it means a person who leave everything to fate...he gave up controlling his life..his destiny...he felt hopeless and meaningless to do so anymore...hm...i had this feeling before...when i was very down....some of my friends had too...but it dont usually last long... I dont know if it is good to have this thinking...i feel that it makes me feel less stress...and leads me into a life that dont care what the outside world is doing.... Just living alone... Is it the same as letting nature take its course?

I did try to be happy through these few weeks...i think i am successful in a way... but, i dont know if i should continue to do it...it makes me feel that i am putting a front...deluding myself that i am happy...if i am, then isnt it bad for myself? I am just lying to myself...one of my friend said that i am not deciving myself...but just distracting myself from the reality and problems...Hm..maybe it is true..but is it correct to do so? How i wish that i can find out what is happening to me..so that i can avoid it or solve it...But...i just cant find why........

This few days...i had some mood swings..what are they actually? To me, i think that they are times when your mood changed to something so different suddenly... But what actually cause them? I dont know... maybe it started because you kept too many things to yourself... Both sad and happy ones... I think it is because you accumulate things in your mind.. but not thinking of it sometimes.. however, you ocassionally remind yourself about them..they just affect your current mood and change how u feel..(thats what i think) Or else why you have mood swings when you grow older? or when you have more stress? haha..maybe thats the reason...sometimes they are just seem to pour 'cold water' on the situation one is in now...
so disturbing..haha..( i hate it )

These few days... I and the friend i had misunderstanding with, got to interact a few seconds..haha... well..at least it is better than last time...think it is improving..hope it wil be over soon..and be friends again...

Next week 5 tests...so much homework...must plan properly...Good Luck to you all!

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/30/2004 09:39:00 PM

Haiz...so bored this few days.... i am still trying hard to find out what happened to my windows explorer... (dont want to talk about this thing...)

Yesterday my mood changed so drastically... i dont know why... whole school day started off so badly...Start of the day, everyone in the class had to see our new english teacher's attitude..haiz... so 'lucky' to have her scolding us in the early morning... Next, near the end of the class our teacher(same one) came in...but with a total change in personality...

She start the lesson, but then disturbed one of my friends.... athough i am not very close with that guy, i dont really like the feeling of my friends getting disturb in such a way... almost humiliating... i did laugh...but just to 'show'..haiz... Though it is funny, it still irritates me... Sometimes, i felt a little sorry for him...anyway..its just a comment and joke by the teacher...i should not take it so seriously...

Lesson ended... I need to stay back to do some chinese new year decorations.... I dont know why.. i am so unlucky... tying some nylon strings... completed 1 and was doing the next one.... Just so coincident, it tangled up..(headache) so i tried to untangle it.... almost impossible...I have to cut off....

This suddenly reminded me of some situations i went through....just a cut by the scissors bring me memories of my friendship with someone....haiz... "Snap! and it went off...." Maybe it is good to...so as to untangle..bring advantage to both parties..(both nylon strings) maybe it is bad...i dont know... So sad to cut it off, so sad to let it break.... I have to keep to myself and continue the work...

From then, mood changed...low and moody... no one sense..( i think) everyone is having fun with the person i had misunderstanding with... I did not join..cos i dont want another fight nor awkwardness...i dont want to get scoldings nor sacarsisms from her... So i left them..just following where they go... Quite surprisingly, one of my best friend looked through me and asked what happened...( he guessed correctly before asking me) I am quite contented though..cos i have a friend who understand me well... Thanks my friend.....( if you are reading this )

Chinese New Year is around the corner... it means a new beginning for the chinese, but it means having to put on facade for the period of time.... Have to put on a facial expression that dont deliver what i feel...Is it difficult? I think so... but, no choice.... Anyway..tommorrow may not be online because of the reunion dinner...

An early HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to all...enjoy it... make it the fullest...dont waste it away..once in a year...i will try to....

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/20/2004 08:08:00 PM

Hm...these few days cannot come to add entry to my blog because of some $#^# script...haha..so i have to paste this entry once i go online because the script keep closing my explorer down...cannot surf net...sob..

anyway, so many thigns happen these few days..but cannot write down in blog..haiz... School banning shopping malls...(so lame..i mean what for?) Why? because of their reputation? Or for our own good? (not to mix around with bad companies, go home study etc)
I dont think so.... They say" dont go compass point...if you want to go..change your uniform
before going.."

They dont mind you go..but not with your uniform on....why? school reputation? if yes, then we are putting a facade...arent it? I dont actually care, cos i dont loiter around, i visit that place for my lunch etc...haha...

Hm...these few days very slack...i dont study much...nor revise for coming tests...why? i dont know...just dont have the mood to study..haiz..i worry for my o levels... I have no plan for the future nor for this year....very worried about the incoming days...which i dont know what will happen..haiz...

Hope i can pass through this obstacle in life... But i doubt so with the 'style of living' i am now...haiz...

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/20/2004 08:07:00 PM

Arh....today so unlucky... retest got back results but left one mark/percent or else i had already over the cut off point and need not take another test again....haiz... because of some careless mistakes...make me busy for the next two weeks...no good chinese new year to enjoy now..*sobs*

Anyway, every heard of the phrase " Since we have to live, why not live in a happy way rather than a sad way?" i am sure this quote is quite common...when i am young, i understand it... but i cannot make myself do it... It is so much difficult than saying...hm...i heard this lots of times through my secondary three life...(because there are lots of problems for me to worry about... i am not happy at all..my friends keep telling me to stay happy..) Finally, i think i had been quite successful in doing it...it takes time to try and adapt to it... for me, when i score well last time, i will be quite depressed...but i think that i should not do it now...since it is over, why worry for it? My retest too...i am quite unhappy for a period of time..however, i tried looking at the brighter side and make myself more relax and happier... I know it is no use saying these here and telling you to do it...because i try it before and i know..it is not that simple...But..just want to tell you... Give it a try...and give yourself a life...

I want to thank those people who encouraged me and showed their concern for me this afternoon...haha...i was shocked that so many people asked how i did, console and assure me... Some even call me to work hard next test.... Quite surprised to see my class had so many nice people.... Thanks alot.. i will try my best...

hm...haha..came back from school and prepare to play basketball with my friends in the nearby court... Got home and did a long sigh (because of the bad results) Immediately, my mum scolded me for sighing...bring bad lucks... well...i know her well, i know she is that 'type' so i didnt continue to defend myself.... but because of some misunderstandings in communication, i was scolded again...but this time, more serious... I tried to explain and was reprimanded for being rude... hm... maybe i am a little but i dont deserve that state of scoldings..anyway, i almost exploded but tolerated with it.... just dont want to make it worse... (it will only make the misunderstanding worse and make my mum angry... She may find it as another excuse to scold too..) so i just kept quiet and did nothing..Though that few seconds seemed hours... i had a little difficulty tolerating.... Lucky she stopped soon..and everything was over when i come back home from the games...

haiz...maybe she is just having mood swing or bad moods that cos her to scold me in that way...or maybe there really had a misunderstanding...i am lazy to explain too...(later quarrel start again) haha.. just want to let it rest...(with my fault again...haiz)

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/07/2004 08:20:00 PM

As time past, people change...i change, my friends change..everyone changes... We dont know what we changed to..nor know when, and how... I observed that my friends changed recently... they are not the same as those i know earlier...At first, i cant accomodate how they turned into...my best friends changed too...(not saying towards the worse side..just changed) and i cant adapt to the period of time when i am with them..however,i tried to wait and change with them...so that we can be together happily... I dont know if i changed or not(until recently) but if i did, try telling me... or maybe dont be offended with what i do or say... thanks..

Try telling your friends if they changed, and tell them what are the places you cannot accomodate to them... and let them try to change...dont break off a friendship because of some minor changes...

Anyway, today our teacher told us to write a 'creative writing' and tell more about yourself... She want us to find an object,plant,animal to represent us.... I thought for a very long time, and i finally started holding my pen...

I wrote that spanner represent me the best.... It always crowds together with other tools..(screw drivers, nails, hammer etc) Me too! i like being with my friends...the more the merrier.. I like to deal things associate with technical stuffs...just like the spanner... the spanner help in ways he can to turn the nuts and repair the objects... i like helping people too... if i can....

The next similarity is, the spanner has two sides for working, like me too.... in my life, there are lots of choices to choose from... like choosing which side to use....some times when helping, the spanner will try to use its side to repair that object...i will too..but the thing is, there are two sides... Up till now, i still dont know which is the correct side for which problems.... During my life, i tried using both sides... sometimes i used the wrong side and damage the object... while sometimes, i used the correct sides to repair it.... I am still an inexperience spanner which still unsure which side to use.. in order to help in the correct way.........

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/06/2004 09:51:00 PM

Sigh...i really changed...hm..today almost had a quarrel with my parents...luckily it ended very soon(after i say sorry...) Just some misunderstandings and a quarrel rose.. less than 3 sentences, i said sorry...but they dont let me off...they say i am too rude...how can i be that rude and show that attitude to my parents...

I just dont understand why they cannot just forgive and forget...i already said sorry..admitted my fault...and what are they expecting more from me? If they want to scold..they should rethink and recall what they taught me...say sorry when you think you did something wrongly....thats all.. So by right, after i say sorry, other party should forgive and let it go...but, what did they showed me? I admitted sorry not very long after the misunderstanding started... they did not stop scolding me but contiue to reprimand me for being rude to them...i just dont know what are they expecting me to do other than admitting fault...they had already won the 'war' and they continue to 'conquer'..Why?

They taught me to forgive people when they repent, i did...(almost everytime) and if i felt guilty after being rude(if thats what they say) and repent...and said sorry, why dont they forgive me? Why do they continue? Why?! Anyway, how many people in the world are able to say sorry that easily when they think they are wrong? How many people admit their fault that easy? how many people are able to give up their pride and apologise? not many,(what i see) And, how many parents on Earth are able to apologise to their children? Singapore? Worse...If i am not wrong, less than thirty percent of parents says sorry to their children when they think they are wrong..Why? pride...'i give birth to you, you must obey me..i give birth to you..you must listen to me..i bring you to this world..i cannot bring my status below you to say sorry..' Is that what they are thinking? Is this the policy every parent has? Maybe i am not right to say all these stuffs, but that is what i am thinking now... No offense... If you can give me a better answer, i will hear it...

Its all about status and human pride..haiz... It also means power to some people.... I am already guilty, i initiated to stop the quarrel by saying sorry..(though i dont think i am in the wrong..) But, what i get from them? This not only happen to my parents...even my friends treat me this way... They just dont know how to appreciate apologies..if they cannot do what i do or better, how can they treat me in such a way? If they are unable to apologise to others, they should not take those apologies for granted... Remember..not everyone says sorries... Be contented with what you have... appreciate those apologies...(maybe there are some which are not sincere.but mine are always sincere) if you cant appreciate them, dont return with attitudes or more scoldings nor continue to take the matter to heart and be angry with them...

It is good that every things settled after letting scold until they are tired...i dont take it to heart...and i can see they dont... though i got scolded, it is better than worsening the relationship between us... Give and take...to preserve something you want...

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/04/2004 09:28:00 PM

Last few days so tired...cannot write blog entry...finally today got the time to do so...First day of school quite successful, then watched a japanese concert by Yodogawa..(at least i didnt waste my ticket money to watch..haha) The japs are so polite...think they got very good family background to teach them these nice things....(keep bowing..90 degrees) when i see them bow, i felt so embarrassed...(have the urge to bow too)

Anyway, cold war still has not end...hm...today secondary one orientation...(dont know if this count as an impovement or not,) we at least interact for few seconds...(desperate...haha) but better than nothing... hope it changes back to normal... haiz...

This few days i think i changed...i am so sad..depressed too...i dont know if i changed to better or worse...( have to wait to know) i dont feel good... I myself think i changed to become a worse person... it may bring advantages or better life to me...i dont know...i just know that i dont like the way i am behaving nowadays... haiz... Today i felt so guilty... treated my friend so badly...so coldly... i dont know if they sensed it..but i myself know...(whole day and trip kept so quiet...not caring about them..not even responding their questions) Maybe they sensed, but i dont feel anything from them..no one asked me what happened..no one asked me why..just left me continue how i am behaving...maybe they care, but they didnt express it out... I am disappointed with myself and them...haiz...

This afternoon i showed some attitude to my best friend..i dont know why i did that..maybe i was tired, or maybe i want to tell him i dont like the way he treat me earlier..i just cannot bring myself to do that last time...but it came to me today so smoothly...(as if i did many times) anyway, i dont like offending them nor hurting them... I think my friend know how i feel...or maybe he sensed i got some problems..thus he didnt scold me :) hm...thanks alot... i feel guilty right now for doing what i did to you..very sorry...

To amend for my mistake, i start to talk and interact with them later in the afternoon, i am very happy that they smiled and laughed... it assured me that they are enjoying those times... i enjoy the times together if everyone feel good gathering...hm..I know how my friends feel (provided they feel the same way as i did) when someone is troubled or sad...i am very sorry to spoil your mood today..hope you will not take it to heart... Sorry...

So cherish your friendship...

Friendship is a strange thing. We find ourselves
telling each other the deepest details of our
lives... things we don't even share with the
families who raised us.
But what is a friend? A confidant? A shoulder to
cry on? An ear to listen? A heart to feel? A
friend is all these ... and more. No matter
where we met, no matter how long we've been
together... I call you friend.
A word so small, yet so large in feeling, a
word filled with emotion, a word overflowing
with love. Truly great things come in small
packages.
Once the package of friendship has been opened,
it can never be closed.
It is a constant book always waiting... waiting
to be read... and enjoyed.
We may have our disagreements... we may have
our disappointments ...we may argue ...we may
have concern for one another...friendship is a
unique bond that lasts through all tribulations.
A part of each of us goes into our friendships ...
our humor ... our experiences... our tears.
Friendships are foundations... necessary for
life... and love. Friends .. you and me ... you
brought another friend and then we were three ...
we started our group ...our circle of friends...
there is no beginning .. there is no end.

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/03/2004 10:21:00 PM

Sigh...haha..what a nice ending for 2003... last two days, almost scolded my friend for being unreasonable...
lucky i didnt...just warned...hm... think i changed...get easily angry...haiz...maybe i cant tolerate anymore... It is a very disappointing to hear what my friend said....he threatened me with the friendship between us... I didnt expect he said such a thing... He planned to give up the friendship if i didnt accompany him to somewhere he desire... i refused..almost scolded him, but still its over...now having cold war....

Hm...can we take these things more seriously? why do some people like to use friendships as only a bridge? cant it be a bridge via road which enters the country deep inside.... so that it will not be easily destroyed... So hurting to hear what he said... anyway, hope this thing end soon... (again as usually, i said sorry and try to make it up..haiz...)

Haha..over with the end of 2003, a 'nice' start for 2004... Just had cold war with parents too...i dont know why they cant observe their child and sense that something is wrong? Its so obvious that i am frustrated over some things and they are just standding there do nothing but adding fuel to the fire.... Cant they just leave me alone for some time? Maybe they really dont understand us..or maybe they dont observe us closely enough..haiz... Such a difficult time being together... (lucky this dont happen often) Just hope they can try to stand in our shoes and experience what we are experiencing now... so that they wont be another problem or fuel to us.... (maybe they care, but i cant sense it...sigh..)

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR! to everyone reading this entry.... a new year has begin...a new start. There will be new hopes and wishes, new dreams, haha..(but some do stays..lol) Hm...finally 2003 ended..though i am a little unwilling to move to next year...it seems like there are so much things undone in that year...haha.. Thanks to everyone who did so much for me..thanks those who helped me and gave me problems too..without them, life is meaningless... With problems around, things will improve(friendship, experience in handling them etc) so, dont be unhappy if they happened, it may be a good thing too! ( i am not saying that it is good to create more problems..lol)

Just a quote for you all...

---Be happy, stay happy---

have a nice 2004 and wish you all good luck in whatever you do...

OnE WinGeD posted at 1/01/2004 08:09:00 PM

Ouch! haha...today sprained my leg..so pain! so unlucky...anyway..today went to play basketball with my best friends.. hm..so much fun and laughter.. I like the feeling when we gather together and chat..play update ourselves etc... Bond us together, get to know more, we always have very enjoyable time together... Hm.. this friendship started in secondary one.. get to know each other through friends and same interest...haha..(recalling)

Hey..do you all spent alot of time with your friends? I feel that i spent more time with them then with my family members this year... I wonder why i like being with my friends more than with my family members... Anyone know? Isit because of fun? or they understand me? or we have more topics to talk about? hm...i thought before, we do we always need friends? Is family members not enough?

I feel that friends helped us alot along our life..we need them for their encouragement and help... without them, i dont know how my life is going to go on... Friends are so important to us... Some people prefer more friends, some people prefer less friends...I personally prefer more friends...more help, more laughter(though alot brings in pain too) but it means less enemies.. Hm...i still dont understand why humans cannot forgive people or be not angry with them..this will help to reduce the amount of enemies you have..not for them but for yourself...

Maybe because of human pride? Is pride, dignity, face so important to someone? Hm...i heard before, some people can live without dignity, as long as he is happy...while some put dignity as such an important factor of life... What you think? Can give me your opinions? I feel that it is not such an important thing in life..as long as your life is meaningful and happy...( Of cos i am not saying everyone should not have them...me myself have them too...)

Anyway, I am already off track...haha(sorry) so cherish your friendship...they dont come that easy..but dont let them go so easy... Think what they had helped and given to you... be happy that you have such good friends...be contented... Gd luCk~

Remember put comments!! about the pride dignity thing...thanks

OnE WinGeD posted at 12/30/2003 12:29:00 AM

Wah..today so tired...help mum and dad spring clean the house...so many things to do...work from late morning to late afternoon...Very tiring... Whole day so bored..only helped out in the cleaning..nothing more..

Although i dont really like helping out in chores, i still helped my mum and dad today..Surprising! haha..in fact, i hate dealing with those dusts and dirt...but never mind...once in a blue moon..Since new year 2004 is coming, we have to clean up the place, representing a new start... (must also clean up my brain and heart for a new start..haha) Though they can handle it themselves, i felt that since i live and stay in this house..i need to help out abit..

Time past real fast when you are busy...soon the surrounding darkens... and afternoon is soon over..evening is taking over... Lucky with the extra help from me and my sis, the work seemed easier and lesser... Though it is a boring and tiring thing to kill your time, i felt that it is not that bad afterall. During the time working together with my family members, i learnt alot from my dad and mum...about many things and their functions that they kept in the house..haha...stayed here for more than ten years and i dont know there are these things..haha..(mum kept them so well..) Other than learning, it seemed like a bongding session too..lol.. more time spent with them..chat..etc..quite a nice time together...

Hm...after finishing all the jobs, we finally completed about 1/7 of the house..( long way to go...sigh) haha..but better than nothing... look around the place, i suddenly found out that it became brighter..(dont know is illusions or reality..haha) but still, it shows that i am satisfied with what i did... We even quarreled which place of the house is the cleanest, haha( debating who did the best in cleaning )

So when we do something, look at the other side.. go for the process..if you are lucky, the result will be good too...the process--bond in family ties weighed heavier than the result--clean house..so even if the result is not what you expect or did not reach your expectation, dont brood over it.. be happy that you learned through the process.. Knowledge and relationship is more important than prize... this applies to most cases.. i remembered one of my friends nick..

---Dont cry because it ended..smile because it happened---

OnE WinGeD posted at 12/28/2003 09:43:00 PM

My friend just broke up with his stead...I so hurt when i see him in that state...Hm...lots of 'this kind of problems' happened this year.. Heard quite alot from my friends..some even happened to my friends too... Saw many television programmes and read many books of all this kind of stuffs... I pity those that get hurt, and i have bad impression on those that found their happiness through this 'break off'... although i agree that no one is at fault in this things..but... i still find it a very hurting and depressing thing to do to someone...

I feel that if one is real in his/her feelings, why will there be breaks? If one is true to the opposite party, why are there so many unhappiness..maybe i am too young to understand these...but of anyone can tell me..i am willing to listen...

On the other hand, breaks cannot be prevented... "sometimes, to find the one that suit you, you will meet many that dont suit you... " quite true... moreover, people make mistakes..no one is perfect... Of cos there are situations like one mistake the other party as the one that suit him/her.. Millions of promises are broken everyday around the world.. (but i am not saying that promises are meant to be break..) But maybe at least they should try to maintain the relationship and not let it break that easily... During this process, many hearts are broken...maybe it is a good thing..maybe it is a bad thing...but from what i see..it is an incurable thing...

People should take great care to all relationships...friendships, family ties, love relationships, even relation bonds between countries... these are bridges that bring you to another place, person, group... No one will benefit if they are broken..(though some did... but it doesnt mean that there are no disadvantages to them) Those that take it to their hearts...those that took great care..those that are unwillingly to break it will be hurt even more... (say until i very expert in it..lol..just helping to express what my friend told me) So why must we damage it? Most are irreversible damages done... (i not saying that we should 'die die' also hold on to it..sometimes they break for better reasons..NOT APPLY TO ALL) Thus, hope we can maintain them in good state... and not say "i want to break!" and the relationship is gone.. take them seriously, and you will not want to break them that easily..not even mention of breaking during angry times... If you cannot do that..why not think properly before you proceed into a stronger friendship, ties or relationship? It is always not too late to start one if you think it will be a successful one... Hope my friend will take it easy...

OnE WinGeD posted at 12/27/2003 10:41:00 PM

Dark clouds float by...soon heaven tears came down from the sky...droplets of colourless liquid hit onto the window pane of my father's car... slowly, drizzle became rain...

I observed the rain droplets hitting onto the window pane and flowing down from the top to the end of the pane... I suddenly realised it can be compared to human life... A new life was born, when a rain drop fall onto the window...it carry on his/her life until death...(when the rain drop hits the end of the window) During the journey down, many obstacles blocked the way... sometimes, there are choices that allow the person to choose... Some droplets followed other droplets' trail..it brings them to another place..twisted its way down. Sometimes it helps the droplet to move to the side, making the time to hit the end longer..however, sometimes, the trails bring them faster towards the end...

Life is like the rain drops..trails are like the footsteps of other people..different people choose different routes.. some people chose to be independent and have their life different from others..they dont follow what others did.. but there are people who follow advices, and footsteps of other people...Though it looks like a good choice, it has no gurantee.. You dont know what is the future... following people doesnt mean you will lead a good life... Some brings you nearer to death.. some bring you to more obstacles and problems.. but there also some that helps you....

Dont blame others for bringing you to the situation you are in now... it is your choice in the first place... They left a choice for you..but didnt call you to join them... thus, please..dont ever blame other people when you met hardships or problems..(although it is nice to say a thank you if they helped you during the way..)

OnE WinGeD posted at 12/27/2003 03:15:00 PM